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This is going to hurt

Updated: Apr 13, 2022

Well, this is easily the most painful feeling I can remember. When I started this blog I had no idea I would write something like this so soon.

After a good few weeks on a solid plateau, Rocky seems to have taken a swift step downwards. Since his nerve tumour diagnosis back in June his face muscles on his left side have slowly wasted away. The way he looks hasn’t bothered me as his love for life has never faded until now. He‘s starting to lose his balance and it’s become agony to watch. I’m sure the weekly trips to the vet aren’t helping us get on and make the most of things but the ulcer on his eye means it needs close monitoring.

Over a couple of weeks he no longer shoots up the stairs in the morning to greet whoever won the “it’s your turn to make coffee” game. He bumps into things, hesitates before jumping on the sofa, and isn’t interested in any of his toys. He’s always been insatiably energetic and fun loving and that sparkle has started going out.

He’s always bounced back in the past and every time I forget for a split second I quickly remember he’s not going to get better. We knew when he was diagnosed that this would be degenerative and is something he wouldn’t be able to beat, but this week is the first time the vet directly mentioned having to “make a decision eventually” and I felt like the air had been crushed out of me and the earth beneath my feet had fallen away. I feel like my insides are being ripped out and it never eases. I don’t think I’ve felt grief like this before and it’s not even the end. I am absolutely terrified of the feeling that’s still left to come.

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